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[14 Mar 2008|12:05am] |
lol that settles it i guess. a year long relationship summed up with 'suck me.'
anyways i like someone else who gives a fuck.
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[30 Apr 2007|05:28pm] |
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mood |
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 bored |
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music |
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on a warpath |
] |
the show we just played was good, looking forward the the shit we're doing this weekend and the weekend after. as much as i love warm rains i'm really just not in the mood for it, summer needs to kick it into full swing now.
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[03 Apr 2007|07:34am] |
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mood |
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 cold |
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music |
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fabr | the flower and the corpse |
] |
i know you're reading this, i just want you to know that you're fucking dead to me. you'll never comprehend how awful of a thing what you've done is, i didn't deserve it and i don't understand it. all our memories, everything we fought for, it was all a fucking lie, you knew i'd find out eventually and if it was all some sort of game to you...it's just disgusting. but now that i know, i'm left to suffer in a silent fucking hell, tormented by everything we accomplished, but i'll be ok, i have something you could never fucking offer, like it ever matters to you. goodbye.
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[04 Mar 2007|07:01am] |
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mood |
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 good |
] |
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music |
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coliseum |
] |
this week has been a good week, i've been very, very happy for the most part. alot of things seem to be going my way, i might buy a car this week, got involved with a new band and it's getting on it's own fast, we're recording in a couple of days and already have a few songs written, it's nothing most of you would be interested in, post experimental metal shit like ion dissonance, so far anyways, i like it though, and i like the people i'm playing it with.
work has been less stressful, nights have been easier to deal with, and my attitude has been altogether 100% more chipper thanks to one person, who i am extremely appreciative of. i've been laughing easier, so many things are funnier, everything is less full of that null feeling of assraep. it has given me alot of time and incentive to be more productive with myself and get back into alot of things i couldn't focus on before.
needless to say my first encounter with tabletop gaming in years occurs at this point, and it begins. we've been planning this for a while, but we got together at e-trailer to write up characters for d20 and attempt a little run through, much lulz ensued, which i captured on cam with great skill.
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| the virgin raped shall seek to whore |
[21 Feb 2007|05:08am] |
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mood |
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 blank |
] |
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music |
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palehorse |
] |
as i'm typing this, i am struck with a hideous dose of dejavu, too much so to possibly explain. a similar locale, the same exact song, a similar set of problems and feelings, althought a completely different life and almost five years ago, the similarities are sickening and disheartening.
i've been neglecting to update because i've been upset and frustrated. i caught her in the act the other day, and through a lengthy conversation, made things 'ok' as usual, however, as to be expected, she has not contacted me in any possible way since, which she promised she would. she spent the night with me at e-trailer with aaron and kelsey, it was fantastic of course, very alleviating of burdening sentiments. and as usual, she made it seem like everything would be ok and turn out good, only to smash those hopes the moment we parted. i'm no longer concerned with explaining my weakness regarding her to any of you anymore. yes i love her, yes i'm in love with her, yes i understand she cheats on me, leads me on, and does not reciprocate my feelings in the least. yes i know she's still sketchy, yes i know she still hangs out with him, yes i know she made out with ________ last night. i don't care anymore, i can't seem to shake my loyalty, i almost wish she'd just find some other hobby than leeching off my emotions and leave me hanging for long enough to attempt to move on in some way, because those hopes of us being happy together like we used to still rob me from sleep every single night. she'll do as she pleases, always.
i've been stressing over saving up for a car still, all of my money every check gets raped by bullshit, but hopefully with the combined power of taxes and responsibility, my mobile situation should improve substancially around the time of my birthday, the end of march. it is at this point that aaron and i have discussed at length wanting to get a place, we're leaning more towards renting a house, a cheap shithole one with three bedrooms hopefully. that sort of security might help my frequent panic attacks in the face my constantly unstable living situation.
tomorrow ron is getting all the equipment set up at his moms, and much practicing is going to be happening, i want it so badly, to have something to look forward to and take my mind off of shit.
i've been hoping for something different, but i can't expect anything, situations change, the burdens never seem to leave. maybe once i get a car i can find something worthwhile, or have easier access to something that i didn't realize was worthwhile.
my medusa is almost completely healed, it's blown out on the bottom, the options of cutting it off or burning it off with crushed aspirin do not appeal to me, so i'm going to stick with ignoring it unless it gets much worse as i start stretching it. i'd like to get some sort of extra money on the side to finish my neck but i can't figure anything out. all i do is work and sit around playing 2d mmo's to distract me from living.
saturday has plans, hopefully what was discussed is still happening, if not i won't be surprised. and for those of you who aren't square, i guess i'll see you in niles.
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[10 Feb 2007|02:19pm] |
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mood |
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 blah |
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music |
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crowd deterrent |
] |
i fucking hate seeing chan memes all over kids icons and shit who don't know anything about it or even know what /b/ is. in one day alone i've seen 'shoop da woop' and 'i'm in ur _____, _______n' ur ______', neither one of those bitches had any idea, it was so bastardized and awful. anonymous angry, anonymous kill.
GTFO MY INTERNETS
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[02 Feb 2007|07:42am] |
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music |
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SH4 soundtrack as usual |
] |
distance increases
disdain increases
ultimately endowing me with a supernatural sense of the end.
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[24 Jan 2007|05:50am] |
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mood |
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 sleepy |
] |
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music |
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bus pass | fuck this shit |
] |
dennis pierced my medusa with an 8g, i was freaked out at first and it hurt alot, blood rained down from the sky. the plug shit went in easy though, which is usually my least favorite part of any piercing process, i'm very satisfied with it.
she tells me to trust her and that things will work out, that her motives and operations are of course pure and as always mutually advantageous, feeding off of my assumptions for what is aspired, it's used as an emotional noose, distance and strange behavior tipping me further and further off of my perch on her chair. she's distanced herself again, it's been days since she got ahold of me, doesn't really say much, i try to tell myself it's because she's busy but it doesn't work because it's obvious that she has time for other people. here's where i need to take my own advice, i'm not a resource or a convenience and i'm not going to be treated like one, apathy and bluntness are my only tools at staving off how retarded this is, her actions are telling me alot about how things are going to end up, but as always i'll be the trusting faggot.
car for real in like a month, i'm getting alot of money for the process in the next couple weeks. very exciting.
they see me chargin', they hatin', patrollin' and tryna catch me firin' mah lazer.
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[18 Jan 2007|06:30am] |
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mood |
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 tired |
] |
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music |
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25 ta life | drown in your own blood |
] |
i took a sick night off of work, the frequent moves and irritating loss of friendships started to build up and i was on the verge of a nervous fuck explosion, so i sat on my ass all night thinking and laughing and playing soldat.
what happened with the situation at the lugo apartment really infuriated and disappointed me, although johnny messaged me with a very reasonable and acceptable apology, something i was not expecting from him, it was mildly refreshing. last saturday afternoon i moved in with aaron, who has become a better friend to me than i ever thought he would, and has shown me only hospitality and wellness and generosity, and for that a winnar is he. we've been sharing an unhalting love of the fantasy genre and of online computer gaming, i've been playing warcraft 3 and soldat pretty exclusively, putting doom 3 on the backburner because i'm going to be honest, it scares the shit out of me sometimes when i play it. when i first start i'm so nervous frantically running around in the dark getting blasted by scary imp fags but i usually warm up and get going, anyways point was i haven't played it in days.
i work full time, the amount of my waking life that it consumes becomes a huge burden at times and destroys my ability to comprehend anything, but i've had sort of a break so i should be good to go for a while. i'm supposed to spend time with alycia this saturday, everything with her is up in the air. she continues to resort to the same methods of temptation and then hard to get backpeddling that is usually evident in her brief returns to my life, i'm unsure if this will be a longlasting attempt or another futile clash before months of isolation from her, time will tell, and as i've told her, she doesn't seem to be making that much of an effort, although i really should cut her some slack, she has her own life, school and a job.
i'm putting away money for a car, getting my licensing started next week, cell phone soon (hopefully), and more ink done, preferably the large 'XVX' on the sides and back of my neck, although i might need to be patient with ink and get my priorities straight.
my ears are annoying me, my left is a comfortable 1 1/4 and my right is a comfortable 1 1/8, however, the other day at work while getting ready i apparently misplaced them, aka lost them for fucking ever. resorting to walking around with inches again was too fucking assinine to me so i went and bought what were supposedly 1 1/8 matching solid blacks, turns out they're both 1 1/4, the left fits, the right doesn't. so i can either tape to 1 1/4 in my right, which i don't want to because it's far too soon after the last taping, wear an inch in it, or take them out altogether (ha). i'm going to have to resort to wearing the 1 1/4 solid black in the left and the 1" thick flare tunnel in the right, and look like a goon for possibly several weeks.
seeing what my old friends have become...i can't tell which emotion is stronger, ridicule, humor, pseudo jealous aggravation, or just old fashion faggot hate. peoples lives are all jokes to me, any attempt by them is like a shitty slap in the face to my rationality, i've learned more in the past six months than the past twenty years, and i wouldn't trade it for anything, i'm just waiting for my absolution.
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[16 Jan 2007|06:37pm] |
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mood |
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 annoyed |
] |
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music |
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ibwt |
] |
weak mentality is what you choose
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[11 Jan 2007|06:03am] |
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mood |
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cold |
] |
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music |
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palehorse |
] |
quit fucking crying.
ca might come alot sooner than expected.
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[01 Jan 2007|08:23pm] |
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mood |
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 sore |
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music |
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in blood we trust |
] |
it's true what they say about being hated and apathetic.
i've learned alot of things about myself as i've watched my friends fail in their shitty relationships and cave over and over to girls, cigarettes, their families, i can't even believe it. why doesn't anyone stop for one second and think about striking these things down and living a real life for themselves, about sticking up for themselves, regardless of antagonist, whether it be your long time girlfriend or even your own mother. fuck em.
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[23 Dec 2006|07:20am] |
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mood |
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tired |
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music |
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haymaker | team jesus is losing |
] |
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[18 Dec 2006|08:13pm] |
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mood |
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 hungry |
] |
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music |
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cold as life |
] |
girls who listen to indie and post hardcore are pieces of shit.
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[14 Dec 2006|10:46pm] |
dear louise,
i miss you, i haven't been online, i will be alot more soon, i bought a computer. hi.
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[08 Dec 2006|06:08pm] |
| [ |
mood |
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 ecstatic |
] |
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music |
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danny diablo |
] |
-.. . .- .-. / .-.. --- ..- .. ... . --..-- / -.-- --- ..- / .... .- ...- . / -. --- / .. -.. . .- / .... --- .-- / .... .- .--. .--. -.-- / - .... .- - / -- .- -.. . / -- . .-.-.- / .. / .-.. .. -.- . / -.-- --- ..- .-.-.-
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[04 Dec 2006|05:14am] |
| [ |
mood |
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groggy |
] |
| [ |
music |
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liferuiner |
] |
anyone thinking on wasting money on van wilder 2: don't.
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] |
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